This post terrifies me. This is my blog, so these are my thoughts, but exploring these topics is exhausting and circular and sometimes unsatisfying. I don't quite know what prompted me to finally write about this, but here we are. There may not even be an opinion or a conclusion in this post, I know I certainly haven't resolved any of my personal feelings on the subject - I wonder if I ever will.
I think the thing that is most scary and uncomfortable is working through these issues as an attractive white male with a graduate degree. In other words, this entire world and our society was built for me. I have no artificial barriers to any career I want, I will get the benefit of the doubt from those in charge, and I have never been the target of prejudice. How in the actual hell can I explore and understand what my wife has gone through, and what my daughters are going through (or will go through, as it were)? I guess the only thing I don't have going for me is being ultra-rich. I'll wait while you get a tissue and play the world's smallest violin.
This all started with a picture that I saw in a tweet. If you do a search for "anti dress code" you see many versions of what I saw. Here is an example.
Now, you should head over to this blog which has a succinct and great summary of some of these issues. I'm lucky to be married to a patient and understanding women who was willing to chat with me about this as well. Time to dive in.
So far I have determined, with deep thought and great deliberation, that we should not go to work, school, or the grocery store naked. That seems both distracting and unsanitary. I'm pretty solid on this. With that as my jumping off point, it seems a safe assumption that we should all wear underwear at the times when we are not in the privacy of our own homes. In summary, a nudist society is not the answer. Glad I was able to clear that up.
I think I'm in the minority of fathers, since I think those 'DadsAgainstDaughtersDating' shirts are the stupidest things on the planet. I know that my little girls will grow up to be women. I know those women will have sexual desires like every other person. I know they will have sex. I am not scared of any of that. The time I spend concerned about a society that oppresses them and sexualizes them is tenfold compared to the time I spend worrying about them growing up to be women. Because it is between now and then that I have the time to educate and teach them how things are, how to be proud of themselves, and how to stand up to people who give them shit of any kind.
My oldest daughter (Maddie) will be entering the second grade next year and will turn seven in a month. My youngest daughter (Josie) is going to start kindergarten next year, and turns five in July. Things like dress codes are about to become an issue, or at least, we are reaching an age with our oldest that they could be. Because my girls are tall. And they are growing. Fast.
This morning Maddie put on a shirt that could not cover her stomach or back with any sort of consistency. I asked her to change it, as we were going to Easter Mass. When she went upstairs she became upset - none of her shirts covered her stomach, she had been growing too fast, and they were clothes from a fall shopping trip. We found a compromise that made her happy, but it still made me think about these topics I had been reflecting on for the last few days. Had I made her ashamed of showing her skin? Did she actually want to wear that shirt, or was it simply her only option? Was this a laundry or inventory issue?
So is there an issue with the existence or dress codes, or with their enforcement and implementation? I can't honestly come to a conclusion. Any dress code is an extension of what we have decided is appropriate as a society. But society and its norms has been heavily influenced by white males, with healthy doses of sexism and racism. Is there any way to put faith in societal norms? Communities that express heavy doses of modesty, from covered ankles to covered faces, are not free from the same issues that plague communities that are considered to be less modest. I can only conclude that each person has to express modesty their own way.
Let's talk about breasts. Good God, they cause so much trouble for such a small portion of the anatomy. As a society we have labelled them as a sexual rather than functional. And we have extended that description to breast feeding mothers, which is just utter and complete bullshit. I feel bad for mothers who feel they have to ask me if I'm comfortable with them breastfeeding. What else can they do? There are three reactions, only one of which is appropriate. The only thing worse than the asshole who is offended is the creeper who can't stop staring. Dude. The baby is EATING. This isn't sexual. Fuck. Congrats guys, we have a 66% chance of being a total dick to a breastfeeding mother. Hospitals should dispense tasers to new mothers to deal with these people. There was a time I didn't understand Free The Nipple, but I get it now, maybe.
Look at this tangent I went off on, my head is spinning. Time to wrap this up
My daughters dress themselves, my oldest for 3 years now. We've butted heads on appropriateness on occasion, usually centered around events like church or family gatherings. I think I'm doing a decent job of letting her express herself through her clothing, but it isn't easy. Some parents have told me their deepest desire for their kids is that they have their happy innocence forever. I think that's ridiculous.
Most mornings my little girls look and smile at themselves in the mirror. My deepest desire is that they love themselves, how they look, and who they are, forever.
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| Maddie and Josie, ages 4 & 2 |
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