Sexism, Dress Codes & Daughters: A Dad's (Non)Guide to Confusion and Uncertainty

This post terrifies me. This is my blog, so these are my thoughts, but exploring these topics is exhausting and circular and sometimes unsatisfying. I don't quite know what prompted me to finally write about this, but here we are. There may not even be an opinion or a conclusion in this post, I know I certainly haven't resolved any of my personal feelings on the subject - I wonder if I ever will.

I think the thing that is most scary and uncomfortable is working through these issues as an attractive white male with a graduate degree. In other words, this entire world and our society was built for me. I have no artificial barriers to any career I want, I will get the benefit of the doubt from those in charge, and I have never been the target of prejudice. How in the actual hell can I explore and understand what my wife has gone through, and what my daughters are going through (or will go through, as it were)? I guess the only thing I don't have going for me is being ultra-rich. I'll wait while you get a tissue and play the world's smallest violin.

This all started with a picture that I saw in a tweet. If you do a search for "anti dress code" you see many versions of what I saw. Here is an example.

Now, you should head over to this blog which has a succinct and great summary of some of these issues. I'm lucky to be married to a patient and understanding women who was willing to chat with me about this as well. Time to dive in.

So far I have determined, with deep thought and great deliberation, that we should not go to work, school, or the grocery store naked. That seems both distracting and unsanitary. I'm pretty solid on this. With that as my jumping off point, it seems a safe assumption that we should all wear underwear at the times when we are not in the privacy of our own homes. In summary, a nudist society is not the answer. Glad I was able to clear that up.

I think I'm in the minority of fathers, since I think those 'DadsAgainstDaughtersDating' shirts are the stupidest things on the planet. I know that my little girls will grow up to be women. I know those women will have sexual desires like every other person. I know they will have sex. I am not scared of any of that. The time I spend concerned about a society that oppresses them and sexualizes them is tenfold compared to the time I spend worrying about them growing up to be women. Because it is between now and then that I have the time to educate and teach them how things are, how to be proud of themselves, and how to stand up to people who give them shit of any kind.

My oldest daughter (Maddie) will be entering the second grade next year and will turn seven in a month. My youngest daughter (Josie) is going to start kindergarten next year, and turns five in July. Things like dress codes are about to become an issue, or at least, we are reaching an age with our oldest that they could be. Because my girls are tall. And they are growing. Fast.

This morning Maddie put on a shirt that could not cover her stomach or back with any sort of consistency. I asked her to change it, as we were going to Easter Mass. When she went upstairs she became upset - none of her shirts covered her stomach, she had been growing too fast, and they were clothes from a fall shopping trip. We found a compromise that made her happy, but it still made me think about these topics I had been reflecting on for the last few days. Had I made her ashamed of showing her skin? Did she actually want to wear that shirt, or was it simply her only option? Was this a laundry or inventory issue?

So is there an issue with the existence or dress codes, or with their enforcement and implementation? I can't honestly come to a conclusion. Any dress code is an extension of what we have decided is appropriate as a society. But society and its norms has been heavily influenced by white males, with healthy doses of sexism and racism. Is there any way to put faith in societal norms? Communities that express heavy doses of modesty, from covered ankles to covered faces, are not free from the same issues that plague communities that are considered to be less modest. I can only conclude that each person has to express modesty their own way.

Let's talk about breasts. Good God, they cause so much trouble for such a small portion of the anatomy. As a society we have labelled them as a sexual rather than functional. And we have extended that description to breast feeding mothers, which is just utter and complete bullshit. I feel bad for mothers who feel they have to ask me if I'm comfortable with them breastfeeding. What else can they do? There are three reactions, only one of which is appropriate. The only thing worse than the asshole who is offended is the creeper who can't stop staring. Dude. The baby is EATING. This isn't sexual. Fuck. Congrats guys, we have a 66% chance of being a total dick to a breastfeeding mother. Hospitals should dispense tasers to new mothers to deal with these people. There was a time I didn't understand Free The Nipple, but I get it now, maybe.

Look at this tangent I went off on, my head is spinning. Time to wrap this up

My daughters dress themselves, my oldest for 3 years now. We've butted heads on appropriateness on occasion, usually centered around events like church or family gatherings. I think I'm doing a decent job of letting her express herself through her clothing, but it isn't easy. Some parents have told me their deepest desire for their kids is that they have their happy innocence forever. I think that's ridiculous.

Most mornings my little girls look and smile at themselves in the mirror. My deepest desire is that they love themselves, how they look, and who they are, forever.

Maddie and Josie, ages 4 & 2

WWPN - What We're Playing Now

Two posts in one day? Damn skippy.

Me - Almost nothing, very little time and metric shit-ton of stress. Been playing League of Legends ARAMs because they are quick, dirty, and simple. I also get to smash others when I'm playing well which is good stress release. Played a little Hearthstone briefly this week, and was working on Torchlight 2 before. Incidentally, Torchlight 2 will be my first stream/YouTube video review. I was hoping to do it today, but it looks like my time is tight. Maybe Friday.

Maddie - A little Hearthstone when she is stuck with me at Josie's hockey practices. Some Torchlight 2 on casual setting (she's an Engineer). A lot of Starfall. Starfall is an educational website recommended by her first grade teacher. I'm a fan so far. Some PBS Kids flash games. Oh yeah - she straight up beat her first ranked opponent this month using a Mage deck optimized to beat Patchwerk. I wasn't even in the room with her. "Oh yeah, I smashed that Rogue. Easy." Mmmmmk. A tiny bit of Disney Infinity too.

Josie - PBS Kids flash games and Starfall. I don't really let her do much else at age four. I did let her mess around in Naxxramas on my Hearthstone account. She had quite a lot of fun "being a big kid."

Dr. Wife - Doesn't do any gaming for the most part. Was completely addicted to Farm Heroes briefly. Way back in the day played Heroes of Might and Magic V for a while. Her self control is pretty epic. She chooses not to game because she knows she won't get her work done when she is at home. Her short obsession with "Cropsies" as she called it, only confirmed that for her. She did however, LOVE the PBS series on the Roosevelts, and nerded out hard on it.

Gaming Kids - Limits and Freedom

I worked on the title of this post for longer than I care to admit, and I'm intensely annoyed at myself that my last published entry was 14 full days ago. Such things can't be helped however, as my wife is training for a promotion that she won't receive or get paid for until next summer, my car received a certificate of imminent and expensive death, and my youngest daughter's hockey practices began two weeks ago. Let's just say shit got real. Annie says it best.

I made a tweet a while ago that got a few responses from other parents, and I wanted to expand on it. As a gamer, I play a lot of video games on the PC and my iPad. As a stay at home dad I'm watching Hulu or Amazon, and using Stitcher to listen to podcasts while I'm cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, etc. This doesn't bother me much, but it rubs off on my girls (6 and 4) and for a long time I had trouble managing their time in front of a screen of some kind.

If you aren't a parent you may not really get this, which is fine. For those who have ever looked up at the clock and realized in horror that your 3 year old just watched 13 consecutive episodes of Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, I feel your pain. I tried so many varieties of managing screen time, but they all failed for various reasons, mostly related to how much effort or complication was involved. Guidelines for screen time have actually changed recently too as the opportunity to interact rather than passively observe. I'm okay with my girls watching shows, playing games, or reading ebooks - but at their age I wasn't cool with them doing it for hours on end.

The idea for management I came up with fits with my parenting style of being available without begin overbearing. I try at every opportunity to provide my girls with small freedoms and choices without overwhelming them. I try to let them fuck up royally while I stand slightly off to the side ready to accept the tears. I'm not the parent who catches their kid falling off the monkey bars, I'm the one who walks over and helps them up after they have fallen off. It is way harder than it sounds, but I think it's worth it.

So, our system is simple. My daughters receive four plastic tokens every day. Each token is worth 30 minutes of screen time. I have no say in when or how they use their tokens with some notable exceptions: meals and homework. The girls use a simple egg timer to start their 30 minutes. If they aren't using a token together, I help with a second timer (watch, microwave, etc.). The tokens reset each evening, and never carry over. Finally and critically, there is no negotiating when the tokens are gone, any complaint or argument for more is ignored.

I got to this (hopefully) final iteration through staggering amounts of trial and error. The reason this has worked so far is that it requires a similar amount of responsibility from both parties without heaping all of the responsibility on me or them. I'm not sure how this system will evolve with age, I've thought about adding more coins as they get older, with the likelihood of releasing them from these limits at a certain age. And one thing I don't like is that it encourages them to use all the tokens every day. Some flaws are expected though, nothing is perfect.

Since parenting is just throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks, I have no idea what I'm going to do going forward. For now though, my house has peace and acceptance without begging and bargaining when it comes to screen time. You might want to head elsewhere to figure out how to keep them from arguing and fighting though, because I have no effing clue.

A Fresh Start

A few of you might have been regular visitors of my old blog called Dreadblade. I'm not shutting it down or deleting it, but I haven't written a post in a really long time. I'm not going to go through the many reasons why, but I can summarize it quickly by saying I felt I lost my voice there. I had thousands of thoughts, opinions, and advice on various gaming topics - ideas were not the problem. The problem was that I was evolving as a gamer, and I struggled to help my blog evolve with it.

This year my daughters Madeline and Jocelyn turned six and four respectively. They are amazing and brilliant, as well as obnoxious and astonishingly dumb. So goes the dichotomy of parenting. As they grow up I find myself having less and less time to game and write, which is surprising to me. They are less dependent on me for sure, but they are engaged in activities and dates with friends and other such appointments that I'm rather busy. Most evenings I pass out on the couch around 9 pm, which basically puts a dagger in the gaming habits of my past.

Notice how the one on the right has a little 'pose' going on? She is always like that. Camera comes out and she starts shifting her hips, sticking out her foot - the whole deal. It's like living with Zoolander.

I really needed a fresh start, and I decided to create a new site rather than overhauling the old one. When I'm back into the groove of writing I may even post there again, who knows. But this feels right for now. In March I lost my coaching job, and I was pretty devastated. I had poured a lot of emotion, energy, and money into that job and felt betrayed when they let me go after changing Athletic Directors (a common practice in college, but not in high school). I've been struggling with how to help the family finances since then, with no job opportunities in coaching and a saturated job market in teaching. To make matters worse (better?) my wife, a pediatrician, makes more money in a year of moonlighting than the starting salary of any job I could pick up, and we'd be spending almost my whole salary on daycare anyway. So I'm throwing myself into being a stay-at-home dad, and writing my blogs. I may even monetize the site at some point, if I feel I'm consistently producing good content, in an effort to help the family budget.

Interruptions are a regular occurrence on an hourly basis with kids. In fact, this post has been interrupted 4 5 6 times already. The focus of my blog will be to discuss topics related to gaming while parenting. How my kids are picking up my gaming habits, how I choose games to play based on knowing I'll be interrupted, and other topics of a similar nature. Since I do all the cooking at home - and am pretty good at it - I may even do some posts about meals and recipes. I plan to regularly review games (old and new) based on their appeal to parents. I hope to stream those games on Twitch as part of the review and post the recordings on YouTube. With the help of my brilliant, gorgeous, and non-gaming wife I even aspire to have social gaming sessions with others, maybe even on stream.   

Its a pretty ambitious undertaking to be honest, but having a plan makes me more optimistic about creating the content that I want to create.

Thanks for reading this far and I hope to see you back here again.